The holidays can be a time of both joy and sorrow, especially after experiencing personal loss. Grief can make it hard to engage in and enjoy your usual holiday traditions, but it can also be challenging to try something new. In this post, we explore ways to navigate grief during the holidays and how to balance holding space for old traditions with creating something new.
Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning
Similar to the stages of grief, psychologist J. William Worden provides a framework called the Four Tasks of Mourning. These four tasks help us better understand and navigate our grief journey after the loss of a loved one.
Worden’s tasks aren’t a checklist and don’t need to be done in order. You may be engaged in multiple tasks all at once, or hopping back and forth between them. We’ll use this framework in the context of holidays and grief as we explore ways to move through the holidays, create new traditions, and cope with our grief.
1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
Grief affects how we experience the holidays. It’s important to give yourself the space and permission to process your grief in the way that works best for you and your family. It can be hard to accept that the person you loved is no longer here, whether it’s the first holiday without them or the 100th. It may shift the way you view holiday traditions. Some still follow all their traditions, some create new ones, while others find a mix or choose not to engage in them at all.
First, know that whatever you decide to do is okay. Grief looks different for everyone, and there is no set expectation or way you’re supposed to celebrate or honor your loved one and the holiday. The goal is to acknowledge the loss and the changes.
2. Process the Pain of Grief
Grief and holidays can create a mixed bag of emotions on their own, and together they can make these special moments feel bittersweet. It’s okay if you don’t feel like celebrating. That’s normal. On the flipside, it’s also okay if you do feel like celebrating! There is no “right” way to navigate your grief.
However you choose to move forward, you’ll likely experience a wide range of emotions, including joy, sadness, anger, and even guilt. Remind yourself that this is normal and do your best to be compassionate with yourself.
Give yourself time and space to process your feelings that come up through the holiday, either with trusted friends and family members, through journaling, and/or with your therapist. It can also help to plan for your grief and give yourself the flexibility to opt in or out of holiday gatherings. Engage in self-care, try to balance solitude and social connections, and listen to what you need.
3. Adjust to a World Without the Deceased
Holidays will emphasize that your loved one is missing, and there can be a lot of pressure to decide how to celebrate. Old traditions might feel too painful for some, while for others, they might provide much-needed comfort and peace. New traditions can help distract or create something to look forward to, or they can feel like you’re erasing the memory of your loved one.
Ask yourself what is important to you, and what will help you cope with their absence. Know that what you need and what you prioritize might change from year to year, and that’s okay! Your role might change as you take on the deceased’s traditional tasks or as your traditions change.
Be as gentle with yourself as possible while navigating the changes. Plan ahead and communicate with others about what feels best for you as you navigate grief during the holidays. Lower your expectations. The holiday doesn’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to celebrate fully, but if it feels right, give yourself permission to experience the positives too.
4. Find a Way to Remember the Deceased While Moving Forward in Life
The last task is to find a way to celebrate the holidays and special moments that allows you to experience life while still honoring your loved one and maintaining your connection. There is no perfect balance in this task, and – you guessed it – it looks different for everyone. This will likely change and evolve as you begin to heal your grief and as your needs change.
Many people find joy in incorporating past traditions while creating new traditions. It can be unsettling at first, and you might notice a mix of emotions and sensations. The best tip is to start small and meet yourself where you’re at.
A Few Ideas to Honor Your Loved One During Holidays:
- Write them a letter
- Leave them an offering or a place setting at mealtimes
- Make their favorite meal
- Share memories, stories, or photos of them
- Donate or volunteer in their name and memory
- Light a candle in their memory
- Visit your loved one’s place of rest
- Donate their old belongings
- Participate in their favorite holiday activities
- Have a dedicated memorial spot or decoration for them
Choose one thing to try, take the time to see how it makes you feel, and let yourself adjust as you need.
If you’re struggling with grief or the upcoming holidays, don’t hesitate to reach out for resources and support. Our client care coordinator team is happy to answer any questions. You can call 801-508-4150 or get started here to set up an appointment with a member of our Rooted Counseling & Wellness team.
References:
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.